Jab’s Builds! (Beaker! Sam Eagle! Miss Piggy! The Swedish Chef!)

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Jabroniville
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Other StormWatch Members

Post by Jabroniville »

OTHER STORMWATCH MEMBERS:
-There are a TON of other StormWatch members, none of whom can be statted given online information.

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BLADEMASTER: Some woman with a sword. Also some pictures on Comicvine are of a male. Died in the first issue of StormWatch: PHD.

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COMANCHE: Native-looking guy who had the power to change into any animal (of course). Appeared in StormWatch #28 and nine other issues, I guess.

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DAMASCUS: A super-strong guy with metal arms and a metallic-blue hue to his skin. With a lantern-jaw and super-strength, he debuted and died in StormWatch #30, being killed by someone named Sahara.

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DIANE LaSALLE: A normal human agent of SW. Used to date Backlash.

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EBONY & IVORY: Lovers from Christos Gage's run- a big white guy and a scantily-clad black girl, they were killed in battle together.

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FLASHPOINT (Foster McClane): YET ANOTHER BLASTER, he shot beams from his eyes that could go around corners. He, Nautika & Sunburst were taken as hostages during the invasion of Kuwait, and were thought dead. Flashpoint carried a grudge against Battalion for years over this perceived abandonment.

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ION (Pieter Van Tieg): Some generic Flying Blaster who died fighting The Regent after four issues.

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LANCER (Manuel Gutteriez): Wielded a spear- debuted and died alongside Ion.

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LINK (Lincoln Adams): Genius inventor with a cybernetic arm- he created Fuji & Hellstrike's containment suits, and had been on SW for a very long time.

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NAUTIKA (Maya Royko): A cute-looking, yet noseless, aquatic girl who could shock people like an eel, even blasting them. She eventually married Sunburst.

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PAGAN (Zarej): A stealthy, lizard-like member of the team. He was the creation of a curse in Papua New Guinea, as his father had married a native woman. His father abandoned the family after Pagan was born. He was killed in battle against Despot and his Warguard.

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PRISM (Nick Chaplain): Some guy in a black bodysuit with shoulder-pads. Light-based blasting powers.

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RAZER (Janine): Early SW member who was a martial artist AND a Flying Blaster. She apparently dated their enemy Deathtrap while still on the squad, but it turned out he was just using her for sex. Inexplicably turned up in the New 52 era as a jobber.

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ROSE TATTOO: The "Spirit of Murder" who was formerly a SW member under Bendix in the 1990s. She was committing mass murders while a member of the team, and killed by Jack Hawsmoor as a result. However, as a "Spirit", she could not be killed, and found a new body and tried to overthrow the Authority. She killed the Doctor temporarily, but Jenny Quantum revived him, and Bendix's son got her to turn on him. She has incredible aim and "never misses", and can turn anything into a weapon.

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SCYTHE: A Serbian former lover of Winter's- she left StormWatch ages ago during the Civil Wars in Yugoslavia, where she is believed to have committed atrocities against Muslims in the region. She & Winter met up again. Guilt over her actions, and past feelings, led her to rescue him and trek to safety, and it appeared she might rejoin SW, but the Writeups writer declares that a writer-switch spelled the end for her, as she just disappeared. She appears to have Super-Speed powers according to that bio. Her appearance is just a generic dark bodysuit with random armor bits.

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STRAFE (Malcolm King): Strafe is the brother of Battalion, and joined StormWatch after being awakened by Synergy. He was later manipulated by their villainous father Despot into betraying SW and joining Warguard. He was imprisoned, and when he was interrogated by other villains, Battalion had him placed into a coma. He later took the name Bellerophon and joined other villains. He was apparently yet another Flying Blaster.

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SUNBURST (Karl Hansen): YET ANOTHER FLYING BLASTER, married to teammate Nautika. They were both captured and imprisoned for years in the nation of Gamorra.

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UNDERTOW (Ray Bailey): Generic "slow-witted" super-strong guy who was on the team for fifteen issues- was fired and then killed.

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WILLIAM BENDIX: William Bendix was revealed in the pages of The Authority- the son of Henry Bendix and a callgirl he'd paid to raise the boy alone. Since many of Henry's systems only worked for him, Jackson King realized that William, who had similar genetics and the same appearance, could use them too. But William was killed and Henry imprinted himself onto the boy, gaining extra life.

JLA KNOCK-OFFS:
These were part of a "super-secret" StormWatch team created by Henry Bendix- they were all inspired by various DC characters in a "deliberate knock-off for this one story" kind of way- most famously, their number included Apollo and Midnighter. Bendix replaced all of their memories of their previous selves, so almost nothing is known of them- when their mission went wrong, he disabled their "Transfer Technology" and left them to die- only Apollo & Midnighter survived.

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AMAZE: Wonder Woman stand-in. Super-strength and durability.

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CROW JANE: Black Canary stand-in. She had Sonic attacks that created blasts and let her fly.
IMPETUS: Flash stand-in. Super-Speed powers.

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LAMPLIGHT: Green Lantern stand-in. Blasts, flight & illusions.

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STALKER: Martian Manhunter stand-in. Super-strength and shapeshifting powers- he was created from Daemonite DNA, wrapping him into the greater "world" of WildStorm, which is at least a little clever.
Last edited by Jabroniville on Tue Aug 16, 2022 8:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
Jabroniville
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Post-Human Division

Post by Jabroniville »

STORMWATCH: POST-HUMAN DIVISION:
-A new team created by Christos Gage to battle "new threats".

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BLACK BETTY: A "Witch Apprentice" from Christos Gage's run.

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JOHN DORAN: A normal human- a black guy, he lead the StormWatch PHD division.

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DIVA II (Isabella Fermi): Gained her sister's appearance and powers when her abilities manifested. Lasted about ten issues.

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GHETTO BLASTER (Roger Elliott): A big guy carrying around a ghetto blaster with vibratory powers, I think he might be a parody of the similarly-dated Vibe.

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GORGEOUS (Wanda Durst): She's... blonde and hot? I guess? Said to have "Intellect" among her abilities, she's mostly fanservice in the images I see.

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THE MACHINIST (Dino Manollis): A former super-villain gadgeteer now working for SW. Appears to be quite out of shape now.

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THE MONSTROSITY (Dr. Mordecai Shaw): A genius doctor who turns into a four-armed monster.

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NEW ROMANTIC (Robert Nathan): Has the power to mesermize any woman; unfortunately (or fortunately?), he is gay.

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PARIS (Liam Mendoza): A master of combat with the ability to "intuit the weakness of anything", like Karnak of the Inhumans. He was abused by his meth-dealing, dog-fighting father as a child, but since the dogs were his friends, he set them on everyone, slaughtering all the criminals present. Naming him for the Trojan Prince who killed Achilles by hitting his weak point was pretty clever.
Last edited by Jabroniville on Tue Aug 16, 2022 8:45 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Post-Human Division

Post by Davies »

Jabroniville wrote: Sun Sep 13, 2020 12:55 am PARIS (Liam Mendoza): A master of combat with the ability to "intuit the weakness of anything", like Karnak of the Inhumans. <snap> Naming him for the Trojan Prince who killed Achilles by hitting his weak point,
That part is actually clever.
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Jabroniville
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The Authority

Post by Jabroniville »

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"One of the reasons I turned their STORMWATCH into THE AUTHORITY is that I found out that, despite the fact that no-one was buying STORMWATCH, they kept it going because they liked reading it in the [Wildstorm] office and wanted to keep me employed. And I felt so bloody awful about that, and at the same time had been so struck by Bryan Hitch’s STORMWATCH issues, that the train of thought that led to THE AUTHORITY began."
-Warren Ellis


THE AUTHORITY:
-Few comics in the industry went from massively popular to trashed, and from as successful to "not even in consideration anymore", as The Authority. For a LOT of reasons, it got a hell of a lot of attention in a big hurry, becoming the talk of the industry and a total game-changer, and then got completely destroyed in reality and in-universe, as a hundred voices cried out at once to flatten in even within comics themselves. Their "Take THAT!" approach to lashing out at other companies' characters bit them in the ass when the most epic rebuttal in history utterly destroyed the very reputation of the series. And the comics fans who once bought scores of Authority books now laughed at DC utterly vanquishing the series... even while its shadow cast itself across the entire industry, forever altering it.

The Authority came out at the tail end of the 1990s, with the team forming out of the dead StormWatch book- Warren Ellis, the writer of both comics, placed a few SW characters onto a new team called The Authority, and enacted a "Superheroes in the real world"-type concept where a bold, aggressive team would "Do whatever it takes" to keep the world safe, ultimately controlling it in the process. While this had been done before (Marvel's Squadron Supreme being the most famous example of superheroes taking over the world in order to protect it), this was much more... "in your face" about it, presenting it as a morally CORRECT decision (whereas Mark Gruenwald spent half an issue explaining exactly WHY this notion was awful in his book), and filled it with tons of violence, great art, and Warren Ellis, one of comics' most gifted writers in terms of snappy dialogue and badass statements of power. There was a very strong sentiment of "We don't deal with this superhero BOLLICKS" you get from a lot of writers from that side of the Atlantic.

The book starred Jenny Sparks- an ageless "Spirit of the 20th Century" with electrical powers, Apollo & Midnighter- a pair of Superman & Batman analogues who were a gay couple, The Doctor (a guy who could do anything), The Engineer (a woman who could BUILD anything), and Jack Hawsmoor- a "God of Cities", alongside a bird-lady named Swift. The team, in short, was MASSIVELY powerful, with Ellis showcasing them in a series of brutal fights that made them all look like extreme bad-asses- one issue I have features an army of Flying Bricks dying in the hundreds against them, the team bloodily massacring them. Bryan Hitch's wonderful, detailed, nearly photorealistic art was a huge stand-out, making comic book action look more "Widescreen" than had ever seemed possible- it was a feast for the eyes.

Almost immediately I recognized the Power-Geeking at work, here- though the book was billed as being mature and violent, it was as juvenile as it could be in terms of the writer saying "I have the bigger dick"- their Batman could kill people in seconds and frequently bragged about doing so immediately before he did it. They had two characters whose powers were "Has every power". Their Superman flew through heads and fought in the way that BattleBoarders would image Superman would fight if he really wanted to win every battle as quickly as possible. It was very much a book where Ellis was writing "Heroes should/would do THIS" type of stuff. With twelve issues and a lot of hype (Wizard Magazine declared it the #1 comic of the year), Jenny Sparks died at the culmination of a story, and Ellis & Hitch left.

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"Like many artists, Frank Quitely can only draw one female face. Unfortunately, that face is Bea Arthur's."
-BatgirlIII


Mark Millar Takes Over:
-But yeah, in 2002, Ellis & Hitch ended their run. Their replacements... the notorious Mark Millar & Frank Quitely. Frank, who drew every female character as if she were a 90-year old woman, and gave every male a bloated, butter-fed physique, was a "Love Him or Hate Him" kind of artist, while Millar drew a lot of attention for vulgar and puerile writing, at first positive... but then things turned a lot worse. Eventually, Millar ended up the Rob Liefeld of writing (a high-selling, highly-hated creator), but back then, he was hot. Millar's arcs were WAY more into the "suck MY dick, Marvel & DC!" vein of writing, as Millar would even write parodies of the Avengers as a group of villainous jerks. They fought a mad scientist and his superhuman army, a duplicate team of Authority-lookalikes backed by the G7 nations, and more- the new Spirit of the 21st Century, Jenny Quantum, was adopted by Apollo & Midnighter, and the Doctor, a heroin addict, worked through his addiction. Millar ordered a number of EXCEPTIONALLY gory or graphic scenes to be drawn, and DC editorial demanded a number of them be changed, including showcasings of necrophilia, mass murder and assorted other deaths.

But comics fans seemed to LOVE IT. Especially BattleBoarders, who were busy pleasuring themselves to panels of "A Superman who fights to win", and two characters who were nigh-omnipotent. "The Authority vs. _____" battle suggestions were commonly made. People gloated and chuckled at scenes of The Authority massacring thinly-veiled copies of The Avengers, all "HAW HAW- they showed THEM!".

And then, right around here, something wonderful happened.

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Superman Fights The Elite:
In 2001, a year after Millar and Authority fans LOL'd through his team massacring parodies of the Avengers, Joe Kelly wrote the Superman story What's So Funny About Truth, Justice and the American Way?, a sensational book in which a team of obvious parodies of The Authority show up and act like... well, the Authority. Moralistic, hyper-aggressive, "We are heroes who will kill if we have to" warriors. With powers mimicking Authority ones, they first appear to kill Superman when he interjects in their attempts to kill now-helpless villains in the name of practicality... but then an unseen Superman appears to slaughter the entire team, one-by-one. With BattleBoarder-level "Superman should do ____ if he's so powerful" stuff, he showcases Power Feat upon Power Feat, easily disabling the entire group, before giving leader Manchester Black a "lobotomy" with his Heat Vision, smugly calling attention to his tactics as he did so. A terrified, pants-shitting Black is all "WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" to the point of hilarity, and Superman points out that "These 'no-nonsense' solutions of yours just don't hold water in a complex world of jet-powered apes and time travel".

It was GLORIOUS. As The Authority was at the peak of its fame, Kelly had just taken an enormous shit all over the series and its perceived morality. This wasn't just a burial; this was "If you enjoy this book, FUCK YOU. Fuck YOU, fuck your FAMILY, fuck your HOPES, fuck your DREAMS, and fuck everyone you ever MET!" It was, in effect, the greatest "Diss Track" of all time, not only questioning the morals of the people in the book, but the writers and its fans- it was this rallying cry to allow comics to be a bit weird and silly instead of "the heroes should KILL and be EXTREME!" stuff The Authority seemed to be preaching. Instead of the book thumbing its nose at super-heroes the way The Authority was doing, it was like "No, we thumb our noses at YOU!", as the fans of the book were tossed a huge dose of their own medicine. It was the greatest thing ever.

The funniest part was the reaction of Authority fans. They blubbered like BABIES on some of the forums I inhabited at the time- raging "But Superman couldn't beat THE DOCTOR that way!" and bawling about how it made their favorite team look dumb and the book's writing out to be trash (hilariously proving incapable of taking what the book had dished out to Avengers fans literally the year before). And the issue represented sort of the culmination of thought AGAINST that kind of superhero writing- painting The Authority as aggressive thugs who were out to create a fascist empire of a few people controlling the world. And to this day, people can't really comment on The Authority without also thinking about that Superman issue- the one time someone's takedown because synonymous with the very thing they were arguing against.

And I will believe to this day that Marvel and DC, somewhat threatened by what this book represented ("Superheroes R Dum! Everyone should act like THIS!") and the fact that it was really popular, went out of their way to kill it. Ellis & Hitch were recruited by Marvel. Mark Millar was signed up by Marvel and given both some of the "Ultimate Marvel" stuff, and then Civil War. Frank Quitely ended up drawing Grant Morrison's X-Men. And then everyone started talking shit about Authority-like characters in books- Image's own books treated them like villains to every other hero, and more. Two more Authority runs were made, but neither amounted to much. One was a fifteen-issue run by people I've not heard much of, and the second died after only two issues, as writer Grant Morrison started writing with big promises, but flaked out after DC threw money at him to revamp much of their line, and after he saw negative reviews of his first issue (this was when backlash against him had started in earnest). Keith Giffen wrote the remainder a bit later.

But despite my theories about Marvel & DC somewhat deliberately hiring away and killing the book, aspects of it popped up EVERYWHERE, and changed the industry as we know it. Millar's immature, violent writing style was tempered somewhat by Marvel editorial, but he was still given free reign to write characters however he wanted in a few titles, and Civil War is rooted in Authority-like ideas about heroes taking control in the government and mandating things (Iron Man becomes a government agent and acts in a hostile, nearly murderous manner towards other heroes).

And some characters became successful elsewhere- DC liked the notion of Apollo & The Midnighter enough that they were pushed into DC's main universe.

So What About It?:
-I haven't read enough of The Authority to properly assess its real quality as a story- in fact, a lot of what I "know" about it was just learned from people's reactions from like 20 years ago, and you know how memory is. I just remember being annoyed by it then, and finding it darkly nihilistic now. I've enjoyed Ellis's writing on enough things to assume that he was at least coherent and had a gift of gab, though even Alan Moore fell into bad traps at his worst. But the series as a whole seems to come off as a mess once he left, and his own ideas introduced a lot of strange things that take the notion of Superheroes as "People who do what the regular lawmen can't" and shifted it into this extreme of "Well the heroes should just kill everyone they hate and take over everything", which is how dictatorships start, y'know? Ignoring law & order and flat-out exterminating your foes and what-not.
Last edited by Jabroniville on Tue Aug 16, 2022 8:46 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Jab’s Builds! (Diva! Hellstrike! Flint! Union! The Authority!)

Post by Ares »

So when Jab started talking about Stormwatch, and the bios of some of the Stormwatch members included mention of The Authority and The Monarchy, I decided to re-hash some thoughts I'd had on Discord, consolidate and elaborate on them, etc. But after talking with Jab I decided to wait until he actually posted the Authority first, so as to not derail from Stormwatch.

This'll be a long one broken into several parts, so lets get started:

Like I mentioned, Stormwatch had potential to simply be a more classic superhero team in Image. Under better management, it had a lot going for it. International team with UN backing in their space station headquarters, lots of potential members from any corner of the globe, and could be a public hero team while 90% of the other teams were covert military units.

I mean, if you think about it, a large public superhero team with an orbital HQ under the leadership of a stoic bald man, with an extensive support staff to maintain said base, and teleporters that could send the heroes across the globe? That's basically the opening for Justice League Unlimited.

Unfortunately, Stormwatch was a lot of early Image issues where the costumes and characters weren't really memorable (the costumes were largely bland and HELL), the villains were very forgettable, and it just looked like every other Image book. No effort was really made to make the characters feel distinct or international, not even on a "fun stereotype" way, and you even got some really cringy stuff, like the Native American hero being an animal shapeshifter called "Comanche ", or the black woman with indestructible skin being called "Flint". And there was typical 90's stuff like Battalion being a psychic soldier that used guns as focusing tools to shoot telekinetic energy blasts.

Still, there was potential there at least. They even had some potentially cool stuff, such as Spartan joining Stormwatch after the WildCATs apparently died, which sadly didn't last. Backlash being team trainer was cool, and the characters had just enough going for them that a little work and re-designs could have saved it.

Ellis came in and started changing things, but it was clear he really didn't care about the Stormwatch concept in and of itself. He immediately got rid of over half the characters, introduced new ones of his own creation, changed most of the existing ones to be barely recognizable, all wrapped up in Ellis dialogue. Which as I told Jab recently: "Ellis doesn't write dialogue, he writes snarky exposition".

So it wasn't a surprise when the Ellis just killed off most of the original Stormwatch characters when the book ended, using a WildCATs/Aliens crossover to have most of the surviving members just slaughtered. Though apparently he was going to do this anyway, just over the course of several more issues, before he launched the Authority. Who again, were made up entirely of Stormwatch members Ellis had introduced, with the exception of Swift.

I'll never understand why it was SWIFT of all people that Ellis took a shine to. Of all the basically blank slate characters he could re-imagine and keep around . . . it was the girl with the wings. And he didn't even really give her much characterization beyond his trademark snark.

Ellis' Stormwatch did at least have the whole "Change or Die" storyline with the High, which was interesting and had some decent action, even if that did require really changing Bendix's personality to make it work. Honestly, the best story stuff in Ellis' run was when the Stormwatch team went out drinking and chatting with each other, giving them some actual characterization and personality.
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Re: Jab’s Builds! (Diva! Hellstrike! Flint! Union! The Authority!)

Post by Ares »

Then Ellis launched the Authority from the ashes of Stormwatch and basically made a huge impact on comics at the time. It had come out a couple of years after Alan Moore started his run on Supreme, and the two books were something Image and Wildstorm desperately needed: two creative WRITERS working with talented artists to tell high concept stories with distinctive characters. The Authority was a lot of Ellis snark expo-dialogue, but it was also a team of people with distinct visuals doing things like fighting an invading army of steampunk British aliens from another dimension, or taking on a pyramid shaped alien with godlike power. It was basically the kind of fun stuff Grant Morrison was doing with the Justice League, only with an Image/Wildstorm bend to it. So, you know, more violence and swearing.

Still, Ellis' Authority was definitely a step up from his Stormwatch stuff, and it was something new. It was the first real marriage of Image-style sensibilities with old school comic sale of adventure.

Then Ellis and Hitch told the stories they'd wanted to tell . . . and Mark Millar took over.

Mark Millar basically took Ellis' version of the Authority and turned it into what the book would eventually get flanderized as: a small group of hyper-violent, drug using, narcissistic assholes who believed they knew better than everyone else, and did whatever they wanted regardless of the consequences. It's funny, because while Rob said that Youngblood was meant to be "celebrity superheroes", Millar turned the Authority into the worst stereotypes of out of control celebrities: violent, drug using, know-it-alls who are all too happy to tell you how to live your life.

It got to the point where other Wildstorm books basically started treating the Authority as villains. And when the Authority pulled a Squadron Supreme and took over the world, you had to wonder if the other Wildstorm heroes weren't on to something. When Mr. Majestic thinks you're being kind of a control freak, something has probably gone wrong.

It was basically Mark Millar letting us know what we’d be in for when he didn’t have editors reigning him in. On books with more established characters like Superman and the Flash, Millar managed to be pretty restrained and respectful.

With no editorial control? He opens his run by having the Authority violently murder a bunch of Marvel Comics stand-ins being lead by a freakish mutant version of Jack Kirby, who loudly mocks the very idea of superheroes, America and capitalism.
Dr. Krigstein: “And then what? A return to the glorious status quo? Some idiot in a cape hoists a flag above the White House and all the brain-dead monkeys clap their little hands? No way in Hell!”

“The American Dream is over. Capitalism is as dead as Elvis Presley and the 20th Century, but the clowns who run the show at the moment can’t think anything to replace it with. My plans for the world could revolutionize things or everyone. Their only ideas are CCTV cameras on every street-corner and damn micro-chips in our heads. I’ve attended the secret meetings, sweetheart. I know what they’re up to.

You can’t kill a man for trying to save the human race from Nutrasweet, Pokemon and Governor George W. Bush.”
And then the Authority VALIDATES his statements by asking him to join them so they can implement some of his ideas. After he kidnaps a child and sends an army of superpowered goons to murder thousands, if not millions, of people.

The opening arc is three issues of Frank Quitely drawing ugly people doing really ugly things while Mark Millar writes some of the most overblown, hateful dialogue I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile Joe Kelly’s rebutal a year later was done in one issue and had an actual debatable argument behind it.

I don’t think anyone said that books with more violent heroes like the Authority shouldn’t be allowed to exist. But the Authority under Millar basically said that not only should old school superheroes not exist, but that the people that enjoyed them and the society that created them shouldn’t either.

There’s a reason why the story was called “What’s so Funny About Truth, Justice and the American Way?”, and why it’s considered a classic.
"My heart is as light as a child's, a feeling I'd nearly forgotten. And by helping those in need, I will be able to keep that feeling alive."
- Captain Marvel SHAZAM! : Power of Hope (2000)

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Re: Jab’s Builds! (Diva! Hellstrike! Flint! Union! The Authority!)

Post by Ares »

Then there was the Monarchy. Jab has mentioned that he won't be touching the Monarchy, which is good for his sanity.

The Monarchy was just . . . incomprehensible. It wanted to be this big criticism of the Authority, but it wound up basically being the worst aspects of the Authority dialed up to 11. Take Ellis' expo-snark-dialogue, except moreso. Take the kind of adventures Grant Morrison and Alan Moore have written on their most drugged up days, and then give them even MORE drugs. Take the anti-Authority story that was “Superman vs the Elite”, only do it without any talent, moral legs to stand on, make it more mean-spirited, and then stretch it out over 12 issues. And then throw in a lot of self-satisfied smugness and condescension. Like, toxic levels of smugness and condescension.

THAT’S what trying to read the Monarchy was like. The only thing less comprehensible than the book was how it lasted 12 issues and actually managed to finish its story.

To start with, lets look at Union. Union was, perhaps, one of the more straightforward heroic characters in Wildstorm. Just an alien hero here to protect the planet, flew around with a cape, fought evil, etc. Well, the Monarchy had him turn his power staff into a gun and blow his brains out, then be reborn as this violent, edgy psychopath who enjoyed going all Punisher on people while wearing a trenchcoat.

Just look at the letters page from issue 1.
"If you're one of those people who read the letter column before reading the book, there's something wrong with you. Likely, you're a terrible, fop with enough literary pretentions to make even dear dead Lord Byron proud. The rest of us don't want your kind round these parts, pardner. Get out. Get out now."

"Now, on the other hand, if you just read the little tale presented in pages previous, welcome to the first issue of The Monarchy. As you probably guess by now, this isn't the kind of book that's gonna spell it all out for you from page one."
Understatement of the fucking year.

I mean, the villain that kickstarts the events of the series is literally called "Abraham Dusk: The Quantum Bacterium that Walks Like A Man."

That's like a 9 on the Grant Morrison Meta-BS Pain Index.

And later on, we got this exchange:
Jackson King: "The Metropolitan killed me, Hank. Ripped my psyche right out of my skull. How was he able to do something like that?"

Henry Bendix: "I was trying to help you, Jackson. Increase the odds of your plan succeeding. You had to die so that you could become completely imaginary. One hundred percent pure force of will. Consider it a kind of hazing."

"Death is always the final requirement for admission into the party. In fact, it's how I became the man I am today. After all, who do you think leaked the coordinates of my secret lab to Jenny Sparks? The woman was verrrry powerful . . . but she was NEVER very smart."
And now we’re at a 10 on the Grant Morrison Meta-BS Pain Index. And it also spitefully retcons the last issue of Ellis’ Stormwatch run.

The general storyline (if it can be called that) dealt with superhumans becoming more violent across the multiverse, and the appearance of other dimensional aliens that resembled the Authority causing all kinds of misery across the multiverse. The phenomena gets compared to a kind of “Cosmic Cancer” that is infecting multiple dimensions. And then we get this as an explanation:
Jackson King: "It's Hawksmoor and company, isn't it? Continually crossing the Bleed in that shiftship of theirs . . . spreading their quantum signatures like a virus scattering through an already damaged immune system? It's the damned Authority that caused this cancer. Honestly . . . I can't imagine why I'm not surprised . . . "
Ladies and gentlemen, we have hit full 11 on the Grant Morrison Meta-BS Pain Index.
"Oh look, look! The Authority are popular and people are taking inspiration from them. It’s like a kind of creative cancer that has spread through the comic industry, ruining everything! Look how smart I am! Look how meta I am! I can do it too! UUUUUGGGGHHHHN!!!!!!!"
I mean, I get it. I have more than a few criticisms about what Mark Millar turned the Authority into, as well as Mark Millar in general. But this was just some weird self-congratulatory masturbation about giving the Authority a “take that” while trying to out-Authority them. At least when Joe Kelly did it he managed it in a single issue, and he brought an actual debate to the table.

Apparently the entire Monarchy series got retconned into being a drug-induced dream Jackson King had due to some drugs the Doctor spiked his drink with. And the writer, Doselle Young, hasn’t written much of anything in the last two decades.

I can’t imagine why.
"My heart is as light as a child's, a feeling I'd nearly forgotten. And by helping those in need, I will be able to keep that feeling alive."
- Captain Marvel SHAZAM! : Power of Hope (2000)

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Re: The Authority

Post by RainOnTheSun »

Jabroniville wrote: Sun Sep 13, 2020 5:24 am The funniest part was the reaction of Authority fans. They blubbered like BABIES on some of the forums I inhabited at the time- raging "But Superman couldn't beat THE DOCTOR that way!" and bawling about how it made their favorite team look dumb and the book's writing out to be trash (hilariously proving incapable of taking what the book had dished out to Avengers fans literally the year before). And the issue represented sort of the culmination of thought AGAINST that kind of superhero writing- painting The Authority as aggressive thugs who were out to create a fascist empire of a few people controlling the world. And to this day, people can't really comment on The Authority without also thinking about that Superman issue- the one time someone's takedown because synonymous with the very thing they were arguing against.
Honestly, this is all news to me. I've heard of What's So Funny, and that it was a response to the Authority, but I never thought of it as a landmark story or particularly impactful. When they announced the Superman vs. The Elite animated movie, I thought, "Wait, what? Will people even remember what the Elite are parodying?"

Then again, the Authority in general kind of passed me by.
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Ares
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Re: The Authority

Post by Ares »

RainOnTheSun wrote: Sun Sep 13, 2020 6:16 am Honestly, this is all news to me. I've heard of What's So Funny, and that it was a response to the Authority, but I never thought of it as a landmark story or particularly impactful. When they announced the Superman vs. The Elite animated movie, I thought, "Wait, what? Will people even remember what the Elite are parodying?"

Then again, the Authority in general kind of passed me by.
Part of it is because Jab and I (along with a few other posters here) used to frequent a now defunct message board that focused on comics, but whose main draw was a battle board where fans debated comic fights. It was actually pretty fun, because one of the cardinal rules was that you had to debate the characters based on how they acted in the comics. So Superman couldn't just beat someone unconscious in under a second by hitting them with a hundred full force punches between their blinks, because he never fought like that in the comics except maybe once in every blue moon.

Anyway, the Authority was REALLY popular with a lot of guys there, because you had "superheroes" fighting using lethal combat and engaging in the kind of power geeking a lot of battle boarders enjoy. So when the Authority came out and were basically slaughtering a lot of Avengers equivalents, the Authority fans went on about how the Authority could beat any team of heroes.

So when Superman vs the Elite happened in comic form a year later, the Authority fans reacted really negatively to basically getting a dose of their own medicine, though this just made the annoying Superman fanboys go on their own little tirades. Though in some ways the Superman fans were worse because actual writers at DC seemed to have the exact same opinions as the more trollish fanboys on the board.
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pathfinderq1
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Re: Jab’s Builds! (Diva! Hellstrike! Flint! Union! The Authority!)

Post by pathfinderq1 »

Okay, I'll just have to admit it. I actually liked Stormwatch (what I read of it) and the early issues of the Authority (the first arc, after which I stopped reading THAT).

A lot of it was Warren Ellis, and the art. My reading of Stormwatch and the Authority was very much secondary to Planetary, which is what really worked for me in terms of Wildstorm stuff. The best Authority arc for me was the Planetary/Authority crossover (which managed to dump on HP Lovecraft, quite correctly).

I mostly know, I guess, the "middle parts" of Stormwatch- the 'Change Or Die' arc, and parts where the 'pre-Authority' was Stormwatch Black (without Apollo and Midnighter). I have most of that period as TPB compilations. Most of those 'additional' characters are people I've never even heard of, and I'm fairly ignorant of most of the larger Wildstorm universe mythology..
Ian Turner
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Re: Jab’s Builds! (Diva! Hellstrike! Flint! Union! The Authority!)

Post by Ian Turner »

Wow, I knew that I couldn't stand the gratuitous self-congratulatory nature of the Authority, but there's just no way I'd be able to articulate it this well. Bravo, both of you (Jab and Ares).
Jabroniville
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Swift

Post by Jabroniville »

Image
Image
Image
Image

SWIFT (Shen Li-Min)
Created By:
Jeff Mariotte & Ron Lim
First Appearance: StormWatch #28 (Sept. 1995)
Role: Anti-Hero, Bird-Lady
Marvel Character Most Ripped Off: None (more of a Hawkgirl homage)
'90s Ratio: 7/10 (murderous, taloned warrior)
Group Affiliations: StormWatch, The Authority
PL 10 (134)
STRENGTH
4 STAMINA 5 AGILITY 5
FIGHTING 12 DEXTERITY 4
INTELLIGENCE 1 AWARENESS 3 PRESENCE 2

Skills:
Aerobatics 8 (+13)
Athletics 6 (+9)
Expertise (Government Agent) 6 (+7)
Expertise (Domestic Skills) 4 (+5)
Expertise (Singing) 4 (+6)
Insight 2 (+5)
Intimidation 5 (+7)
Investigation 3 (+6)
Perception 5 (+8)
Stealth 2 (+7)
Vehicles 1 (+5)

Advantages:
Accurate Attack, Benefit (Ambidexterity), Defensive Attack, Equipment (Communications, etc.), Improved Critical (Talons), Improved Defense, Improved Initiative, Move-By Action, Power Attack, Ranged Attack 2, Takedown 2, Teamwork

Powers:
Flight 8 (500 mph) (Flaws: Winged) [8]
"Talons" Strength-Damage +3 (Feats: Split) [4]
Senses 2 (Extended Hearing & Vision) [2]
"Feel the Air" Senses 3 (Movement Awareness- Accurate) [3]

Offense:
Unarmed +12 (+4 Damage, DC 19)
Talons +12 (+7 Damage, DC 22)
Initiative +9

Defenses:
Dodge +13 (DC 23), Parry +13 (DC 23), Toughness +5, Fortitude +7, Will +6

Complications:
Motivation (Fixing the World)- The Authority believe in fixing the world by any means necessary.

Total: Abilities: 66 / Skills: 46--23 / Advantages: 14 / Powers: 17 / Defenses: 14 (134)

-Swift is a bit of an oddity- a member of the Authority who debuted in *1995*, and was not created by Warren Ellis at all. I suppose he wanted to have at least ONE middling link to the original StormWatch book, justyfing it as a follow-up instead of just "I'ma kill EVERYTHING and just start my OWN book! With beer! And hookers!". Swift is, like most SW members who debuted then, a "Seedling" who gained her powers from a passing comet. She ends up with bird-like wings, and later talons, when her powers are developed further. Initially a pacifist, she joins up with some old teammates on a new squad- The Authority- in order to fight for a better world "regardless of the cost". She was brainwashed into being a obedient trophy wife as part of a conspiracy to destroy her team at some point, but when she overheard the "off-button" code to break the brainwashing, she literally ripped his head off.

-Swift was drawn as very flat-chested early on, but bought breast implants in The Authority and frequently boasted about them, perhaps a gag at the bust sizes typical to comics of the time. A later retcon introduces a mysterious, fated-to-be-important egg in Tibet that's rescued from Nazis by Jenny Sparks in 1943, and it's believed this was the origin for Swift. By the end of the series, she becomes the new Doctor, replacing the previous on.

-Swift is the least-powerful and important member of the team, which cleverly kind of "humanizes" them so it's not just a team of mega-gods and power-geeking wankery. She's just a flying girl with talons, though at one point has flown straight through someone, sending body parts flying in all directions. With her talons, she's PL 9.5 offensively, and she has PL 9 defenses- far below the rest of her team (she has few feats to her name that I can find), but good enough to be better than most StormWatch members in the end.
Last edited by Jabroniville on Tue Aug 16, 2022 8:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jab’s Builds! (Diva! Hellstrike! Flint! Union! The Authority!)

Post by HalloweenJack »

Hey, the Authority...that thing I like. Cool.

And it leads me to my impersonation of "What's So Funny About Truth, Justice, And the American Way?"

*ahem* Okay.....


Lil Johnny: Gee whiz Stupendor, you're the tops!

Stupendor: HAHA!

Strawmen: We are the Strawman! We're cool!

Lil Johnny: Boy howdy! Those guys are cool!

Stupendor: *eyes narrow* No they're not Lil Johnny. Not even a little bit.

Lil Johnny: Hunh. I guess you're right.

Strawmen: SSSSSS Curses!

Lil Johnny: Boy that sure was a close stock plot there.

Stupendor: That's right Lil Johnny. Some would say we live in world that's big enough for both Stupendor and the Strawmen, and that perhaps different companies may play with characters similar to one another with a wink and a nod. That maybe the differences in these books simply reflect different niches in comics as a whole. But in my book, the one you should be reading, we have to actively take a stand against anything outside the status quo. We must all be the same and editorialize things that are different instead of just not reading that book.

Lil Johnny: Because we're uptight?!

Stupendor: Because we're uptight. And remember this is all because of some moral high ground that must be always be black and white without shades of grey. This is definitely not because of sales or the fact that they have me making out with VerMan.

Lil Johnny:....What about that page with the Men In Black and King Kong?

Stupendor: AHAHAHAHAHAHA. *winks*
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HalloweenJack
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Re: The Authority

Post by HalloweenJack »

Ares wrote: Sun Sep 13, 2020 6:43 am
RainOnTheSun wrote: Sun Sep 13, 2020 6:16 am Honestly, this is all news to me. I've heard of What's So Funny, and that it was a response to the Authority, but I never thought of it as a landmark story or particularly impactful. When they announced the Superman vs. The Elite animated movie, I thought, "Wait, what? Will people even remember what the Elite are parodying?"

Then again, the Authority in general kind of passed me by.
Part of it is because Jab and I (along with a few other posters here) used to frequent a now defunct message board that focused on comics, but whose main draw was a battle board where fans debated comic fights. It was actually pretty fun, because one of the cardinal rules was that you had to debate the characters based on how they acted in the comics. So Superman couldn't just beat someone unconscious in under a second by hitting them with a hundred full force punches between their blinks, because he never fought like that in the comics except maybe once in every blue moon.

Anyway, the Authority was REALLY popular with a lot of guys there, because you had "superheroes" fighting using lethal combat and engaging in the kind of power geeking a lot of battle boarders enjoy. So when the Authority came out and were basically slaughtering a lot of Avengers equivalents, the Authority fans went on about how the Authority could beat any team of heroes.

So when Superman vs the Elite happened in comic form a year later, the Authority fans reacted really negatively to basically getting a dose of their own medicine, though this just made the annoying Superman fanboys go on their own little tirades. Though in some ways the Superman fans were worse because actual writers at DC seemed to have the exact same opinions as the more trollish fanboys on the board.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I don't think it was a dose of "our own medicine" so much as "Hey that thing you like? It really sucks at its core."
Jabroniville
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Re: Jab’s Builds! (Diva! Hellstrike! Flint! Union! The Authority!)

Post by Jabroniville »

The Authority wrote the Avengers as rapists and murderers, then killed all of them- I think getting the "Superman vs. The Elite" treatment is as big a dose of medicine as I've ever seen :). It was 100% turnabout is fair play- Millar's own stuff was at fault for being so easy to Strawman.

Though as I stated, Marvel & DC helped kill that book. Kelly's take in particular was so epic in part because it made The Authority unwriteable after the fact- in effect, a "Diss Track" that ended a team's entire existence.
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