Jab’s Builds! (Beaker! Sam Eagle! Miss Piggy! The Swedish Chef!)

Where in all of your character write ups will go.
Jabroniville
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Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 8:05 pm

This is What Scientologists Actually Believe

Post by Jabroniville »

Image

The actual fucking story.

THE PRESIDENT OF SCIENTOLOGY
Role:
Flim-Flam Man, Scam Artist
PL 1 (35), PL 2 (35) Defenses
STRENGTH
1 STAMINA 0 AGILITY 0
FIGHTING 0 DEXTERITY 0
INTELLIGENCE 4 AWARENESS 4 PRESENCE 4

Skills:
Deception 8 (+12)
Expertise (Religion) 4 (+8)
Insight 2 (+6)
Persuasion 4 (+8)

Advantages:
None

Offense:
Unarmed +0 (+1 Damage, DC 17)
Initiative +0

Defenses:
Dodge +0 (DC 10), Parry +0 (DC 10), Toughness +0, Fortitude +0, Will +4

Complications:
Secret (Scientology is a Scam)- Scientology was actually founded to bilk gullible people out of their money.

Total: Abilities: 26 / Skills: 18--9 / Advantages: 0 / Powers: 0 / Defenses: 0 (35)

-One of the most amazing and legendary episodes of the past ten years is the Scientology-themed one. Shows had taken pot-shots at this religion for years, but its famously-litigious nature always kept the references vague, so the Church wouldn't sue them. Founded by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology preaches about the pains of modern life, and promises happiness to its devoted supporters, from whom it exacts numerous monetary "tithes". The Church is vastly secretive, and made a special effort to coddle and recruit famous celebrities to the cause- most notably Tom Cruise, who has become the #2 most-powerful member.

-What many people DIDN'T know was the true nature of the Church's "belief system"- that the alien lord Xenu had killed billions of aliens in millennia past, casting them into Earth, where their souls were reborn in the bodies of humans. And this episode of South Park revealed that... and had to include the caption "THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE" beneath it.

-Now, only certain levels of Scientologists are made aware of this. But this episode blew it wide open. Not only did they openly call the religion a scam (with the President, unnamed in the episode, stating so quite specifically), they pointed out their innermost secrets, laughed at their sue-happy nature, and then stared right into the screen and DARED the Church to sue them.

-This was AMAZING. The sheer balls it took, and the amount of reveling they did in how shitty Scientology was, was epic. David Miscavige, the real head of the Church, had his daughter (who'd never heard the Xenu story before) QUIT THE CHURCH, and become an outspoken critic over it, pretty much because she saw the full story in this episode. Tom Cruise is widely believed to have forced Comedy Central's owners, Paramount, to remove the episode from circulation lest he refuse to do advertising for their big Mission: Impossible film- once word got out, they quickly slotted it back in rotation, but Tom's reputation took a major hit once this not only came out, but he got into several arguments with people (such as Matt Lauer & Brooke Shields) over Scientology's belief that Psychology & Psychiatry are fraudulent and that things like depression can be cured with their quackery instead.

-What this episode did is astonishing- it basically cracked Scientology wide open and let everyone see the mechanics. The push-back from it (Isaac Hayes allegedly quit over the show, but it later turned out it was a Scientology spokesperson speaking for him), as push-backs tend to do, ended up giving it MORE publicity, which started a snowball effect that turned Scientology from a little-understood "Celebrity Quirk" to a universally-despised, secretive world of lies and harmful practices. Many ex-Scientologists decided to become "Supressive Persons" (Church terminology) and speak out, which has led to a career resurgence for Leah Remini, and created a black eye for Tom Cruise that has never truly gone away. Cruise himself, wildly-charismatic and good-looking, still manages to open movies like crazy, but it's basically an open secret that he "auditioned" wives to be Mrs. Scientology (he had to settle for Katie Holmes when many BIGGER starlets, like Scarlett Johannson, got creeped out and bailed on their auditions-which-were-actually-dates-and-they-weren't-told; Katie's career never recovered), and so he's personally disliked even as his career is still hot. It's quite weird.

-But yeah, "The President of Scientology" here is little more than a high-end liar. He's actually DISGUSTED with Stan, who is thought to be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, when he finds out that Stan doesn't realize this is all a con.
Jabroniville
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Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by Jabroniville »

As part of the mess required to re-air this pulled episode, they of course used THIS POSTER to advertise the show's nomination for an Emmy for this exact episode:

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Ares
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Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by Ares »

Scientology, to me, is what a modern Cult of Cthulhu would be like, save that associating Scientology with Cthulhu would be giving Hubbard's little scam way too much dignity.

Scientology is basically pure evil. It also disproves the old joke about how the difference between a religion and a cult is just a few thousand people, because Scientology is possibly the most successful cult in history. They basically do all of the traditional cult practices of going after folks, reeling them in with a lot of nice sounding words, indoctrinate them, isolate them from their friends and family, bleed them of their resources, and figure out how to make them dependent on the group, no matter how successful they become. Once you're in the group, you cannot leave, and if you do, everyone in the cult is forbidden from contacting you.

They even have a special term, "Fair Game", for anyone the cult feels is a threat to them. Meaning that anything that needs to be done to silence them is "fair game". There was a very thorough documentary on the cult, it's origins, practices and interviews with people who escaped it, and I feel terrible for the poor folks still trapped in there, whether due to force or their own conditioning.
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Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by bsdigitalq »

I think the most amazing thing to me about Scientology is all the protocols and directives they have in place just in case the US government or any other sovereign state goes after them. Their biggest facilities rival friggin military bases in terms of defenses and toughness, and they have TWO ships in international waters just in case they have to flee! The amount of paranoid crazy-preparedness they have is absolutely mind boggling.
Jabroniville
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Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 8:05 pm

Goths

Post by Jabroniville »

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THE GOTH KIDS
Role:
Backgrounders

-A great running gag introduced after Stan's depression following being dumped, the Goth Kids are a tremendous parody of that lifestyle. Though, to be honest, I haven't seen a goth kid in eons- that hasn't been a "thing" in my neck of the woods for years. The goths indicate that only "non-conformists" may join them, and specify "the way to be a non-conformist is to dress like us, and listen to the same music that we do".

-The Goths appear in a few more episodes, but have yet to make quite the same impact as their initial terrific debut, which paints them as over-dramatic hypocrites and whiners. Henrietta, the chubby girl, was shown to have an adoring, understanding mother, yet all she could talk about was how horrible and pointless life was. The Goths are later seen worshipping Cthulhu, but largely give up on it.
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HalloweenJack
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Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by HalloweenJack »

I highly recommend a little documentary called "My Scientology Movie"

Not only do you get stories about what people went through in Scientology, but you get some promotional video of what they have in the church, some breakdown of practices with video evidence (one guy pointing out Tom Cruise's intense thousand yard stare even in seemingly innocuous interviews) and ACTUAL footage of members of the church following them, standing around outside with cameras, engaging them, and even a long bit in there where the church calls the police on them for trespassing. They're technically not trespassing on church grounds (they're on a public road) but the church tries like hell to get them arrested and is always filming.

There's even video of squirreling as they call it. Which is sorta like that public road thing up there. They'll go to your home, stay just off premises and harass you whenever you come out.

or one ex member gets harassed at the airport the moment the film crew drops him off to catch his plane. He catches some of it on his cell phone, and I think they even talk about his family to try and get a reaction, which as the movie will tell you is a technique they use during indoctrination basically saying anything they can to see if you flinch, and only when you don't flinch do you move up a level.


It's an equal mix of horrifying and incredibly fascinating stuff.
Last edited by HalloweenJack on Fri Mar 23, 2018 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Jabroniville
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Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 8:05 pm

Paris Hilton

Post by Jabroniville »

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PARIS HILTON
Role:
Stupid Spoiled Whore
PL 0 (0)
STRENGTH
0 STAMINA 0 AGILITY 0
FIGHTING 0 DEXTERITY 0
INTELLIGENCE -2 AWARENESS -2 PRESENCE -2

Skills:
Deception 4 (+2)
Expertise (Whore) 12 (+10)

Advantages:
Skill Mastery (Whore), Ultimate Whore

Offense:
Unarmed +0 (+0 Damage, DC 10)
Initiative +0

Defenses:
Dodge +0 (DC 10), Parry +0 (DC 10), Toughness +0, Fortitude +0, Will +0

Complications: 
Obsession (Being a Whore)
Responsibility (Female)- All females become famished for blowjobs after seeing Broadway musicals, via extremely-subtle subliminal messaging. Though Paris is pretty much like this all the time anyways.

Total: Abilities: -12 / Skills: 16--8 / Advantages: 2 / Powers: 0 / Defenses: 2 (0)

-Matt & Trey were quite clear in their "Best Episodes" DVD Collection- they always like to satirize celebrities in good fun, but not this time- "We have to get little girls to stop looking up to Paris Hilton". Now, this was back when Hilton was just randomly decided to become a big "name"- known for nothing other than being a wealthy heiress/socialite, she engaged in one of the more bald-faced "Release Sex Tape = Instant Celebrity Push" before people finally stopped trying that, and instantly everyone just acted like she needed to be a "name". She was EVERYWHERE, boldly making use of the "No Bad Publicity" routine that would later prove useful to certain OTHER reality stars- acting brutal and selfish to everybody. Perhaps most egregiously, this hideous, hook-nosed, lazy-eyed skank was portrayed as both someone to emulate (fashionably, but still), and someone to be attracted to. This was obviously LUDICROUS, but that's how celebrity works- once someone is "decided" as a "thing", we get them pushed down our throats and that's that (remember "The Year of a Million Jude Law Movies"?).

-So South Park satirized her, making her one of their ugliest celebrities ever- lazy eye, "big nose" and all. With a squishy crotch and a staggering, drug-addled gait, she entered South Park after her beloved pet committed suicide (my sister was HORRIFIED when the chihuahua took the bodyguard's gun, put the nozzle in its mouth, and pulled the trigger). She "adopts" Butters, forcing him to act as her new pet, while her whorish ways lead to the girls in town emulating her. This horrifies the boys, along with Wendy, who seeks solace with Mr. Slave, who was already a whore. Mr. Slave realizes that it's terrible to want to emulate such a person, and so challenges Paris to a "Whore-Off". Paris looks for an early win by shoving a pineapple up her ladyhood, but Mr. Slave effortlessly one-ups her by leaping above her, slamming his ass down on her head, and lodging her in his digestive tract, where some animal spirits send her on an adventure. She is never seen again.

-Mr. Slave then goes into a long diatribe about how "People like Paris Hilton are to be despised". This episode is probably the nastiest they've ever been to a celebrity (even Donald Trump, who was raped to death by Mr. Garrison, didn't get it THAT bad), and was around the time people really got sick of hearing about her. A couple years after her big push (which really only led to some reality shows), Paris Hilton disappeared from the news, being declared "over". Her slack was picked up by the Kardashians, who were just as annoying, but at least LEGITIMATELY attractive, not "pretend attractive".
Last edited by Jabroniville on Thu Nov 28, 2019 7:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Ken
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Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by Ken »

What does it do to one's psyche when one is named for the hotel where they were conceived?
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DominusExMachina
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Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by DominusExMachina »

So let me get this straight: Comedy Central, as a television network, is willing to let South Park rip the biggest confidence scam in modern history a new one (which takes REAL balls on their part), yet they cave to terror threats when it comes to showing Muhammad on TV (which makes it look like they haven't got ANY balls at all)? I know things are a bit more complicated than that, but still...

...I like TV networks that take pride in having REAL balls.

And I consider the moment Muhammad's image was censored on South Park to be "the moment Comedy Central cut its own balls off".
Jabroniville
Posts: 24689
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 8:05 pm

Mr. Slave

Post by Jabroniville »

Image

MR. SLAVE
Role:
Sex Fiend
PL 4 (61)
STRENGTH
2 STAMINA 2 AGILITY 2
FIGHTING 5 DEXTERITY 2
INTELLIGENCE 1 AWARENESS 2 PRESENCE 3

Skills:
Athletics 5 (+7)
Deception 2 (+5)
Expertise (Whore) 10 (+11)
Insight 4 (+6)
Perception 3 (+5)
Persuasion 4 (+7)

Advantages:
Fast Grab, Improved Hold, Skill Mastery (Whore), Ultimate Whore

Offense:
Unarmed +5 (+2 Damage, DC 17)
Initiative +2

Defenses:
Dodge +2 (DC 12), Parry +5 (DC 15), Toughness +2, Fortitude +3, Will +4

Complications: 
Relationship (Mr. Garrison)- He splits with Garrison after his sex change into Mrs. Garrison.
Relationship (Big Gay Al)- The two are eventually married.
Responsibility (Whore)- Mr. Slave has been a whore since the day he was born, begging his mother to use the rectal thermometer.

Total: Abilities: 38 / Skills: 28--14 / Advantages: 4 / Powers: 0 / Defenses: 5 (61)

-Mr. Slave was initially just a gag in Mr. Garrison's attempts to get fired from teaching, as he grunts and moans whenever he's abused, and has the class gerbil placed into his ass, where the corpses of other animals remain. With an "ooh- Jesus Christ!", he became yet another distinctive spewer of catchphrases in the show. Entertainingly, he delivers a sermon much later on how whores like him & Paris Hilton should not be idolized, and that parents need to teach their children to despise people like them. After shoving HER into his ass.

-Mr. Slave dumps Garrison after he gets a sex change to become a woman, furious over not being talked to about this- Mr. Slave is, after all, homosexual. He eventually hooks up with Big Gay Al, but is never central to an episode again, just featuring as Garrison, jilted, tries to have gay marriage banned, or goading President Garrison into desperate actions.

-Mr. Slave is reasonably athletic and fit- he managed to leap straight up over Paris Hilton's head and land on her so she went halfway up his ass. That's possibly some kind of Touch-Range Snare, but I'll leave it out- this ain't FATAL.
DominusExMachina
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Re: Mr. Slave

Post by DominusExMachina »

Jabroniville wrote: Fri Mar 23, 2018 3:12 amImage

MR. SLAVE
Role:
Sex Fiend
PL 4 (61)
STRENGTH
2 STAMINA 2 AGILITY 2
FIGHTING 5 DEXTERITY 2
INTELLIGENCE 1 AWARENESS 2 PRESENCE 3

Skills:
Athletics 5 (+7)
Deception 2 (+5)
Expertise (Whore) 10 (+11)
Insight 4 (+6)
Perception 3 (+5)
Persuasion 4 (+7)

Advantages:
Fast Grab, Improved Hold, Skill Mastery (Whore), Ultimate Whore

Offense:
Unarmed +5 (+2 Damage, DC 17)
Initiative +2

Defenses:
Dodge +2 (DC 12), Parry +5 (DC 15), Toughness +2, Fortitude +3, Will +4

Complications: 
Relationship (Mr. Garrison) - He splits with Garrison after his sex change into Mrs. Garrison.
Relationship (Big Gay Al) - The two are eventually married.
Responsibility (Whore) - Mr. Slave has been a whore since the day he was born, begging his mother to use the rectal thermometer.

Total: Abilities: 38 / Skills: 28--14 / Advantages: 4 / Powers: 0 / Defenses: 5 (61)

-Mr. Slave was initially just a gag in Mr. Garrison's attempts to get fired from teaching, as he grunts and moans whenever he's abused, and has the class gerbil placed into his ass, where the corpses of other animals remain. With an "ooh, Jesus...Jesus Christ!", he became yet another distinctive spewer of catchphrases in the show. Entertainingly, he delivers a sermon much later on how whores like him & Paris Hilton should not be idolized, and that parents need to teach their children to despise people like them. After shoving HER into his ass.

-Mr. Slave dumps Garrison after he gets a sex change to become a woman, furious over not being talked to about this - Mr. Slave is, after all, homosexual. He eventually hooks up with Big Gay Al, but is never central to an episode again, just featuring as Garrison, jilted, tries to have gay marriage banned, or goading President Garrison into desperate actions.

-Mr. Slave is reasonably athletic and fit - he managed to leap straight up over Paris Hilton's head and land on her so she went halfway up his ass. That's possibly some kind of Touch-Range Snare, but I'll leave it out - this ain't FATAL.
I remember that episode - and quite fondly, I might add.

In Ms. Hilton's case, that's one piece of shit I'd loved to see go back up the ass...but then we cut to Butters being wailed on by his abusive parents (both of whom are pieces of shit in their own right).
Jabroniville
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Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 8:05 pm

Satan

Post by Jabroniville »

Image

"Up There!"

SATAN
Role:
The Ruler of Hell, Relationship-Obsessed Weirdo
PL 9 (188)
STRENGTH
5 STAMINA 7 AGILITY 3
FIGHTING 10 DEXTERITY 2
INTELLIGENCE 3 AWARENESS 4 PRESENCE 4

Skills:
Deception 4 (+8)
Expertise (Religion) 4 (+7)
Expertise (History) 10 (+13)
Expertise (Current Events) 4 (+7)
Insight 4 (+8)
Intimidation 6 (+10)
Perception 4 (+8)

Advantages:
All-Out Attack, Fast Grab, Improved Critical (Unarmed), Improved Grab, Power Attack, Ranged Attack 6, Ritualist, Startle

Powers:
Immunity 1 (Aging) [1]
Summon Shadow Demons 4 (Extras: 2 Minions +2) [16]
"Transmogrify" Affliction 6 (Fort; Impaired/Disabled/Transformed) (Extras: Ranged, Continuous +3) [30]

Hellfire Blast 10 (20) -- [22]
  • AE: Move Object 10 (20)
  • AE: Movement 1 (Hell) (2)
Offense:
Unarmed +10 (+5 Damage, DC 20)
Hellfire +8 (+10 Ranged Damage, DC 25)
Initiative +3

Defenses:
Dodge +10 (DC 20), Parry +10 (DC 20), Toughness +7, Fortitude +8, Will +8

Complications:
Motivation (Up There)- Satan wants to live on Earth, not having to worry about Hell or its problems.
Relationship (Saddam Hussein)- Satan was entranced by Saddam's sexuality for a long period of time, and has trouble saying "no" to him.
Responsibility (Needy & Dependent)- Satan has low self-image, and constantly wants to be in a relationship- this leads him to make bad choices that aren't right for him. It also leads him to act selfishly, demanding attention be paid to him.

Total: Abilities: 76 / Skills: 36--18 / Advantages: 13 / Powers: 69 / Defenses: 12 (188)

-Satan showcases another aspect of Matt & Trey- their obsession with the Devil (he appears in The Book of Mormon, too). Huge, deep-voiced, and powerful, he creates an impressive spectacle, which makes it all the funnier when he reappears in the movie as an effeminate, sensitive, needy boyfriend of Saddam Hussein's. Captivated by Saddam's sexual energy, Satan is easily cowed into invading Earth. He also gets the mother of all "I Want" song parodies, with Up There, featuring a hilarious bit where his voice, normally booming and deep, becomes ear-shatteringly high ("I wanna live up THERERREEOOOOOOOOO!!! I WANNA LIVE UP THEEOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"). Ultimately, Kenny manages to convince Satan to drop his scheme, killing Saddam.

-After the movie, he resurfaces with a new boyfriend named Chris, a stereotypical sweethearted "college boy", who always maintains his anger and generally has no sexuality at all. Satan calls out Saddam's name in bed, and Chris merely says "let's talk about this" calmly, pissing off Satan, who'd like Chris to show some PASSION for once. When Saddam returns from the dead ("Where was I gonna go, Detroit?"), Satan is torn between the two men in his life. Eventually, he goes to God himself for help. God, who can always make things seem clear, taunts Satan ("You were kicked out of Heaven for being a rebel, but you've become such a little bitch!"), and finally explains to him the nature of his problem- Satan desperately clings to relationships and is emotionally needy, to the point where he hasn't considered taking NEITHER as a partner- if he's not sexually attracted to Chris now, then he never will be. And Saddam is clearly wrong for him- he's a liar.

-Satan gets a focus episode when he decides to throw a Halloween Party, but is horribly upset to discover that "Diddy Did It", and the former Puff Daddy has already accomplished all of Satan's party ideas. His diva-like behavior grows and grows, until he acts almost exactly like an attention-whoring teen girl, turning off all his party guests when they realize how selfish he is. He later invades Heaven, but is beaten back by Kenny's leading of Heaven's armies using his Golden PSP. Stan later summons Satan to help him with his addiction to pay-to-play gaming, which is hilariously dealt with by Satan calmly explaining how an "addictive personality" works.

-Satan is very powerful, but generally just throws his strength around- I just sort of assume he can do whatever his son Damien can. Damien, of course, hasn't appeared since his father was revealed to be a homosexual.
Jabroniville
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Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by Jabroniville »

Also, this legit, actual memo will never not be funny:

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Jabroniville
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Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 8:05 pm

Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by Jabroniville »

Man, it's funny doing Legion of Super-Heroes builds again, and seeing how much my commenting style has changed in only 5-ish years. Some of the bios seem downright TINY compared to what I do now! And even back then, people were telling me they mostly read my stuff for the comments :).

Also... huh. Finally saw the ending of Star Wars Rebels. It was always a bit of a "background noise" show for me, but it's had some pretty great moments here and there (Vader's battle; a lot of Thrawn's stuff). I think one of my favorite aspects is how it wasn't all Retcons & Bad-Asses- each member of the crew was GOOD, but there was none of that "real ultimate power" stuff going on- Bridger & Jarrus were never better than even Darth Maul, much less Vader. Hera was a great pilot, but not, like... the galactic LEGEND. Even the Mandalorian wasn't a huge ass-kicker. They were just a solid crew of PL 7-8 characters.

Ahsoka Tano being alive in the end was a bit silly, but oh well. This 15-episode season wasn't the show's best- I feel like they kind of limped along to the end, shrinking back the scope so that it was "All Lothal" again, and that's not a great setting, in my opinion. All in all, it was good. I don't regret watching the show, and admire the work the creators put in.
DominusExMachina
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Re: Jab's Builds! (Butters! Mickey Mouse! Jesus! Muhammed! Scientology!)

Post by DominusExMachina »

Jabroniville wrote: Fri Mar 23, 2018 6:21 amFinally saw the ending of Star Wars Rebels. It was always a bit of a "background noise" show for me, but it's had some pretty great moments here and there (Vader's battle; a lot of Thrawn's stuff). I think one of my favorite aspects is how it wasn't all Retcons & Bad-Asses - each member of the crew was GOOD, but there was none of that "real ultimate power" stuff going on - Bridger & Jarrus were never better than even Darth Maul, much less Vader. Hera was a great pilot, but not, like...the galactic LEGEND. Even the Mandalorian wasn't a huge ass-kicker. They were just a solid crew of PL 7-8 characters.

Ahsoka Tano being alive in the end was a bit silly, but oh well. This 15-episode season wasn't the show's best - I feel like they kind of limped along to the end, shrinking back the scope so that it was "All Lothal" again, and that's not a great setting, in my opinion. All in all, it was good. I don't regret watching the show, and admire the work the creators put in.
Speaking of Rebels, Jab, you planning to do any Star Wars character builds at some point in the future?
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